Self Discovery

Can turning off our capacity to feel shut down our capacity to heal? Our nervous system is working on over drive, at some point can shut down due to overload?

For the many years that I spent numbing out and chemically functioning through life, either on anti-depressants, sleeping pills, over the counter meds, drugs, alcohol, yet I hid it so well. I was still “functioning” and “responsible”, still doing my job as a mother, wife, an employee, taking care of our home but inside felt lost. As I’ve mentioned before, in 2017 I finally gave in to meditation, (specifically a Kundalini Yoga meditation called Kirtan Kriya; a simple mantra repeating Sa Ta Na Ma while touching my thumb with each sound to each finger tip). I was so desperate to feel change, to feel better, was wanting to move away from substances and also needed to try something different it in hopes that my daughter would try it as well because at a young age she was experiencing anxiety (which really was my undealt emotions). I had no expectations, honestly I was almost wanting to say “ha, see it doesn’t work for everyone”. But out of the blue I began to feel different, calmer, focused, clear for the first time.

The part that comes next not sure everyone will experience but rather quickly my senses began to sharpen, heighten, unexpectedly one night I heard guitar strings strumming out of no where, I would hear my name being called, even heard a choir of angels after a silent 45 minute meditation, flooded with different smells, strange at first but then I began to feel a rush of love, elation, bliss, ecstasy. I had hit that sweet spot where I was in a elevated state of awareness. I felt so connected to God, to the Universe that I couldn’t wait to meditate again. Experience after experience of a mystical loving nature. I began to connect with Angelic energy, my highest self, just an all loving presence and felt so present in presence. It was a feeling that surpassed any drug, as if we know it is possible to reach that point of absolute and we chase it our whole lives through our addictions. And not just chemical/substance abuse but chasing the high that shopping gives us, that gambling, that eating, that relationships, that even stress gives us, to fill the emotional void. Except for a whole year I was able to maintain this feeling even outside of meditation. Not the elation part but a steady feeling of joy, nothing bothered me, I had reached a level of clarity. It was like my Divine mind, heart and soul were all in alignment with God, the all that is almost all the time.

And just like everything else in my life, when I thought I mastered that I moved away from Kundalini Yoga and honestly never tried the array of breath work it provides along with the science to back up why the sound current of the mantras, the hand movements, the breathing techniques help to reprogram our subconscious mind and nervous system to bring us to whole balance.

Prior to the Dark Night of the Soul experience in May 2018, I would say around February, March 2018 I began to have a lot of self doubt, fear began to creep back in, after I became attuned to Reiki and began self healing which in turn made me take a deeper look at what I could no longer run from, the lies I had been telling myself. See although I was doing everything “right” on the outside, I really had not done the inner work (a complete spiritual bypass) and on my soul’s path it required that I have a deeper understanding of my blocks. Kundalini Yoga, is the yoga of awareness combined with Reiki Energy healing there was no more pretending, no more tolerance for the false self anymore. Although I try to stay away from labels now, I didn’t know I was an empath, I didn’t know we are all psychically gifted, I thought only those that were worthy not me were so inclined. As the planet continues to shift we are waking up more and more every day. Our level of awareness will continue to feel uncomfortable unless we do something to truly bring balance to our whole system.

I’ve been told we have the technology to keep up with this technological time we live in, but this technology is within all. Through practices that use the breath, sound, mantra, stillness, movement, ways of working with the body, we can reach a level of awareness of Conciousness that surpasses any computer program because we our Conciousness which is the cloud of wisdom, our heart is the mother board, and our Soul and Spirit are the directors that orchestrate it all alongside God, the light.

The Collective Shadow

During the Dark Night of the Soul there was a voice I heard that taunted me, it told me what it looked like to induce fear in me. It was half man and half beast, it’s feet were huge covered with long shaggy hair, it looked like a monster and if I made eye contact with the beast I could be possessed forever (or so it told me). I would try not to look, as it said “I’m standing behind the curtain, go ahead look and you will see me”. As I took a quick glance I could see the curtain bulged out and it said “don’t look down or else you will see my feet” and when I glanced it laughed like a child, saying “you can’t see me, I fooled you”. The TV was on and in trying to act normal in front of my husband as The Big Bang Theory played, me starring blankly at the screen, not hearing any word of the show because I was internally battling the beast, my internalized fear. It told me it would go into my subconcius mind and begin to bring things up that I had hidden, one by one memories, secrets, shadows that I had pushed away that caused me to feel guilt, shame and pain. Like the death of my brother in law, things I did as a young adult, as a child, my fear of spiders, addiction, sex, parenting, mistakes I made, and when I couldn’t take it any more I threatened the beast by saying I will tell my husband what was going on within my mind and the beast knowing it would loose it’s power and hold over me the moment I spoke up, reminded me what would happen if I shared and told “your husband will have a heart attack and you will have another stroke.” I began to feel my arm go numb, and my face began to droop as if the beginning of a stroke, and in my mind I agreed, ok I won’t tell. I had become a prisoner to my own fear, my ego, my lower self, a possession due to giving up my power to the part of me that thrives off my secrets, shame and guilt, that if left unattended becomes so large like a scary entity. The part that we are so afraid of facing but that will unconsciously control us like a puppet until we do.

I share this story because this feeds off of our shame, fear, guilt, our secrets that we hide but all share. Right now there is a collective death going on, the death of the Collective Ego, this part of ascension that is so painful, it’s where we loose most of our physical assets, jobs, homes, relationships, money, ideals outside of us that we made real by placing a lot of value on them. That come to the surface so we can be stripped down to the only things that truly matter. This is where old programming has to breakdown, literally! Where we will feel abandoned by God and the Ego will try to hold on for dear life, will have us doing things that seem so insane and out of character in ways that people around us may not even recognize who we are any longer because it’s not you.

If we understand this, perhaps we can have empathy and compassion towards the people in the world right now that are playing into the fear, reactions based on feeling locked up, controlled, out of control, loss, lost, scared and confused. The fight, flight, freeze survival mechanism is large at play but the more we are aware, the more we can connect to our Higher Self, the True and only Self, the more we can surrender to the process, and let go of the illusions that we made from this false world that has nothing that we need or want.

The New Earth is a new way of thinking, a shift in perception, an opportunity to thrive in a higher frequency of Quantum energy where we are no longer controlled by the puppeteer, the Ego. The 5th dimension allows for complete alignment with God, with Love and to let go of the love that we have redefined and made out of control. But now there is a connection to true, pure Love of our Soul, our higher self, our God Self, the only one Self that exists, again everything else is an illusion that we have made. Take your power back, go within, and become the alchemist of life.

There are many ways in which we can do this. Begin by being extremely curious, ask Why constantly, question everything. Journal and write your feelings out on paper. Meditate, exercise, walk outside, shut your phone down and the news off. Get still and get in touch with that part of you that wants you to grasp the opportunity to heal and rise up above the midst of all the chaos.

Dark Night of the Soul

As I come up to the 2 year mark after my Dark Night of the Soul experience, the Divine guidance I receive is “share the experience”. No more tip toeing around, people are being awoken and some may not make it through unless they know what they are experiencing. Although very difficult, it really is the biggest blessing in disguise and when some of the most profound transformations take place. I compare it to a caterpillar going through it’s many stages of becoming a butterfly. It can not be stopped, otherwise this Divine intervention will not allow your wings to break free from the cocoon and the beautiful butterfly may never fully emerge into her greatness. It’s when we descend into the darkness so the light can be shined upon it. To fully heal our shadows, like an initiation into another layer of our truth. Out of this most uncomfortable experience we are shown the Truth, so our soul can fully emerge and integrate to stay in alignment on our path into our life’s mission. It is the death of the false self (some call it the Ego) to allow the soul to fully integrate and union with God. During this integration process, everything emerges and can feel like one disaster after another where old lifeless patterns are resurfacing again and again so we can stop the B.S. and exam our lives with a fine tooth comb.

Our soul will no longer allow the excuses, will no longer allow us to play small and if we do, we shall not sulk in a corner and feel pity or play the victim any longer. We must accept where we are and who we are. Our soul knows the power we hold within and needs things to be shaken up to wake us out of this sleep walking path that we’ve been on. It is such a bizarre thing to go through and for many this Shamanic initiation process in it’s realness, are shown the mystical parts of life, where we have to stop asking “how did that just happen?”, sometimes we need to accept the miracles of life. Accept that there is higher power greater than us, through true surrender. When we can fully fall to our knees and say “Dear God, I don’t know how to do this”. Which really was the only way I personally was able to get through this process, when I stopped fighting, when I stopped running and stopped hiding and faced the demons. I am in the process of writing about this experience, as part of my creation and to help those going through this spiritual crisis from being diagnosed as a psychological one. More and more people are being possessed by fear so that we can move through it and emerge into the loving, compassionate beings we truly are. As we are all undergoing a massive awakening to heal as the collective to remember the Oneness of Unity Consciousness. The poem below puts the experience in it’s simplest form (I wrote this while deep in the healing process after a period of what most would call psychosis but was really was my awakening. I was in and out of different realities, dimensions, living life on both sides and realize now I was being shown what we are all going through and what is to come).

Dark of the Soul
Ocean waves moving in motion like our never-ending crashing emotions, smashing against the tide when we don’t trust our inner guide,
Everywhere I go, nowhere to hide from the anger and disappointment that I feel inside, the resentment that arises from memories when I felt I didn’t have a voice or a choice.

Would not, could not speak up and out for myself,
At work, at home, it seems everywhere I turn, carefully walking on eggshells, as slowly pieces inside of me began to chip away at all my dreams and desires until I completely lost my way.
Ungrounded, astounded by the tearful, fearful person in the mirror who has lost her natural state to want to create.
Job-less, car-less, emotion-less, devotion-less…….a sad feeling of emptiness.

STOP….Breathe, take a moment to be present, face this fear, do not give it any more power and do not allow all that self-abusive chatter to get louder and louder.
Have I really lost everything or have I just began?
Remembering who I really am.

Through strength, faith and true desire to create, remembering I came here to thrive not just survive.
Live for today and a better tomorrow, leave all the self-doubt and abuse for a positive attitude and a life of gratitude.
I believe in myself, for within is the pure love, truth, the light of my soul, my inner spirit that chose to live Heaven on Earth
With A dream, A desire, beyond expansion with passion and fire.

Subconscious Reprogramming, Release, Relief

Subconscious Reprogramming, Release, Relief and why it is beneficial: The subconscious can only hold so much before it over flows. Due to the rise of technology and the massive amounts of input at our finger tips we need to rework our systems to handle this as we were not designed for this obsessive, compulsive, look up everything kind of access. People will begin to feel insane and sometimes this can happen in a moment. This has been a part of my experience so I can have a deeper understanding of how to help others that are experiencing symptoms due to this. As Collectively we are going through a subconscious release to shift the patriarchy, the Egoic, conditioned programming that will no longer work on the New Earth (the children of now don’t understand it and will not tolerate it, they came in with different programming, different light codes to help us shift out of this outdated way of being and living).

When we are conscious, we become self-aware. Aware of our thoughts and the programming which is our deep ingrained taught way of being, our beliefs that we soaked up like a sponge until we were 7 years old. These beliefs have been playing out in our world for so long. As we pay attention to the constant chatter that flows in our minds which is an outcome, based on our inner belief system, as well as the outer input that we allow in and soak up due to the fact that we can all feel on a much deeper level (energy transference). We can become the witness to the judgments we make about others and ourselves. Begin to ask where did this originate? Why do I think this way? Why do I believe this? Does it serve me? Does it feel good? Does it bring me joy or do I feel horrible, guilt and shame filled for having these thoughts? If so know it is quite normal. We are human, the human conditioning we have been born into is shifting and changing, which is a good thing. The outdated conditioning is breaking down over the next couple of years within each of us and we are literally receiving a DNA upgrade within our cellular memory (similar to a computer or an app that every now and again needs the updated version applied to it in order for it to run at it’s optimized strength and speed).

But change is usually not easy, if it was then everyone would do it. Many may say they want change but what I have seen (even in myself until I was forced to create change) they rather go through years of feeling horrible than do the inner work to create the change we want to see in our lives. We look back at let’s say 20, 30, 40 years of the same unserving behavioral patterns, as well as unwanted, uncomfortable physical ailments that can turn into chronic pain, that we keep complaining about but when approached with “you can finally heal this”, you can change that old lie and given the tools to do so, many run for the hills.

We are taught we don’t talk about certain things, families have secrets, skeletons in the closet and they need to stay in the closet. People die and we are told you get one week of bereavement pay because you should be over it in a week, there are so many rules that no longer work and will no longer apply in our evolving culture. Not in our evolving society, anymore. Look at what we have built a tolerance to. If you watch the news for 5 minutes, how many shootings, violence against another, bullying, robberies, how much hatred and anger erupts in our face in those 5 minutes? But yet we are conditioned that if we are not glued to this programming than we will miss out on something. This is our fear based world, that we have become numb to, why do we continue to accept so much fear? It has been our “norm”but it is no longer.

We have been brought to our knees and what I was asked during my Dark Night of the Soul experience is who is my biggest trigger?, If the darkness were to attack my children would I change? Of course. Well guess what your children feel, hear and see the parents shadows, they know your families secrets, they came here to be the light and to shine their light on our shadows. If we see them in pain will that finally make this madness stop? We will have no choice but to do the work, when we see our children fall to their knees at 7, 8, 9 years old watching your child have panic attacks, visions of being beaten, attacked verbally and physically but not their own trauma and hurt, to be the witness so that they can transmute our pain into light. To do what many volunteered to do which is turn your fear into love. To teach you how to love yourself. Because if we are not going to witness it someone has to, for it to be healed (this is science, not woo, woo stuff, it’s Quantum physics/ Quantum healing….the act of observing makes it so and heals).

I have held back for way too long about what I know, what I’ve been told, and how our children are the most brilliant beautiful innocent beings of pure love. They literally can walk into a store and everyone in the store shifts. I’ve seen it happen, unfortunately the child will begin to feel panicked, like they can’t breathe, sick to their stomach and practically drop whatever they have in their hands and run out to get away from all our garbage, from our energy. Or they drop down and have a tantrum out of no where. And Autism, these are the biggest light workers and you think they can’t communicate, they are telepathically speaking to us, you just have to much clutter in your brain to hear them. Or you just can’t believe that, telepathy is a thing but you’ll believe a prognoses and scary diagnoses.

Wake up people because if you do not take the steps to take care of yourself, your home, your side of the street, the garbage can only be piled so high before it implodes or explodes. This may seem harsh and I usually am not this brash but I experienced it. It was not easy and was not fun but there are ways to bring yourself to balance, to heal. I’ve spent the past couple of years testing so many different tools to be brought back to where I began and that was Kundalini Yoga Breath work/Meditation. I will be honest my nervous system was shot after my Dark Night of the Soul Experience in May 2018 but by making a commitment to self care to include practices that are consistent and combining Self Reiki healing (among other tools, such as, Mirror work, journaling, nature walks, prayer, so many self care tools to choose from. And perhaps it’s not a one size fits all and I hope you find what works for you). But this is the strongest I have felt ever. Perhaps I can be a mentor and a guide to assist you to find what works for you, as we all are transitioning and transforming.

And this strength not only helps me but ripples out and now my energy stays within my energy field and my aura acts like a lighted shield from negativity. I still feel and can connect but in a way that now my empathic nature has become a super power (I can feel the lies, I can feel the in-authenticity, I can feel the power of another, someone that is centered and full of love and some that could use a bit of strengthening in their own system. I can see through the perfect social media family portrait and feel the stress on those smiling faces. And I can have deep compassion because I know what it feels like, when we have to juggle so much and don’t feel we have time to give to the most important person in your life….You, the person you have look in the mirror).

This is a Suggested Tool and I suggest begin this practice today: So Darshan Chakra Kriya (a Kundalini breathwork meditation to get rid your subconscious garbage, de-clutter the mind and bring balance to the left and right side of the brain and our nervous system). This has saved my life along with other tools that I will share. Look it up on YouTube, super easy begin with 5 minutes and then increase to 11 minutes and so on. More tools to come, you may also contact me for a Reiki Session and I have no problem doing Reiki on children but parents need to do a session first and may need more than one session (I have witnessed after the parent heals, the child/children no longer have the issues the parents were seeing because it’s not the child’s issue it’s the parents that the child has taken on in some way).