Self Discovery

Can turning off our capacity to feel shut down our capacity to heal? Our nervous system is working on over drive, at some point can shut down due to overload?

For the many years that I spent numbing out and chemically functioning through life, either on anti-depressants, sleeping pills, over the counter meds, drugs, alcohol, yet I hid it so well. I was still “functioning” and “responsible”, still doing my job as a mother, wife, an employee, taking care of our home but inside felt lost. As I’ve mentioned before, in 2017 I finally gave in to meditation, (specifically a Kundalini Yoga meditation called Kirtan Kriya; a simple mantra repeating Sa Ta Na Ma while touching my thumb with each sound to each finger tip). I was so desperate to feel change, to feel better, was wanting to move away from substances and also needed to try something different it in hopes that my daughter would try it as well because at a young age she was experiencing anxiety (which really was my undealt emotions). I had no expectations, honestly I was almost wanting to say “ha, see it doesn’t work for everyone”. But out of the blue I began to feel different, calmer, focused, clear for the first time.

The part that comes next not sure everyone will experience but rather quickly my senses began to sharpen, heighten, unexpectedly one night I heard guitar strings strumming out of no where, I would hear my name being called, even heard a choir of angels after a silent 45 minute meditation, flooded with different smells, strange at first but then I began to feel a rush of love, elation, bliss, ecstasy. I had hit that sweet spot where I was in a elevated state of awareness. I felt so connected to God, to the Universe that I couldn’t wait to meditate again. Experience after experience of a mystical loving nature. I began to connect with Angelic energy, my highest self, just an all loving presence and felt so present in presence. It was a feeling that surpassed any drug, as if we know it is possible to reach that point of absolute and we chase it our whole lives through our addictions. And not just chemical/substance abuse but chasing the high that shopping gives us, that gambling, that eating, that relationships, that even stress gives us, to fill the emotional void. Except for a whole year I was able to maintain this feeling even outside of meditation. Not the elation part but a steady feeling of joy, nothing bothered me, I had reached a level of clarity. It was like my Divine mind, heart and soul were all in alignment with God, the all that is almost all the time.

And just like everything else in my life, when I thought I mastered that I moved away from Kundalini Yoga and honestly never tried the array of breath work it provides along with the science to back up why the sound current of the mantras, the hand movements, the breathing techniques help to reprogram our subconscious mind and nervous system to bring us to whole balance.

Prior to the Dark Night of the Soul experience in May 2018, I would say around February, March 2018 I began to have a lot of self doubt, fear began to creep back in, after I became attuned to Reiki and began self healing which in turn made me take a deeper look at what I could no longer run from, the lies I had been telling myself. See although I was doing everything “right” on the outside, I really had not done the inner work (a complete spiritual bypass) and on my soul’s path it required that I have a deeper understanding of my blocks. Kundalini Yoga, is the yoga of awareness combined with Reiki Energy healing there was no more pretending, no more tolerance for the false self anymore. Although I try to stay away from labels now, I didn’t know I was an empath, I didn’t know we are all psychically gifted, I thought only those that were worthy not me were so inclined. As the planet continues to shift we are waking up more and more every day. Our level of awareness will continue to feel uncomfortable unless we do something to truly bring balance to our whole system.

I’ve been told we have the technology to keep up with this technological time we live in, but this technology is within all. Through practices that use the breath, sound, mantra, stillness, movement, ways of working with the body, we can reach a level of awareness of Conciousness that surpasses any computer program because we our Conciousness which is the cloud of wisdom, our heart is the mother board, and our Soul and Spirit are the directors that orchestrate it all alongside God, the light.

Dark Night of the Soul

As I come up to the 2 year mark after my Dark Night of the Soul experience, the Divine guidance I receive is “share the experience”. No more tip toeing around, people are being awoken and some may not make it through unless they know what they are experiencing. Although very difficult, it really is the biggest blessing in disguise and when some of the most profound transformations take place. I compare it to a caterpillar going through it’s many stages of becoming a butterfly. It can not be stopped, otherwise this Divine intervention will not allow your wings to break free from the cocoon and the beautiful butterfly may never fully emerge into her greatness. It’s when we descend into the darkness so the light can be shined upon it. To fully heal our shadows, like an initiation into another layer of our truth. Out of this most uncomfortable experience we are shown the Truth, so our soul can fully emerge and integrate to stay in alignment on our path into our life’s mission. It is the death of the false self (some call it the Ego) to allow the soul to fully integrate and union with God. During this integration process, everything emerges and can feel like one disaster after another where old lifeless patterns are resurfacing again and again so we can stop the B.S. and exam our lives with a fine tooth comb.

Our soul will no longer allow the excuses, will no longer allow us to play small and if we do, we shall not sulk in a corner and feel pity or play the victim any longer. We must accept where we are and who we are. Our soul knows the power we hold within and needs things to be shaken up to wake us out of this sleep walking path that we’ve been on. It is such a bizarre thing to go through and for many this Shamanic initiation process in it’s realness, are shown the mystical parts of life, where we have to stop asking “how did that just happen?”, sometimes we need to accept the miracles of life. Accept that there is higher power greater than us, through true surrender. When we can fully fall to our knees and say “Dear God, I don’t know how to do this”. Which really was the only way I personally was able to get through this process, when I stopped fighting, when I stopped running and stopped hiding and faced the demons. I am in the process of writing about this experience, as part of my creation and to help those going through this spiritual crisis from being diagnosed as a psychological one. More and more people are being possessed by fear so that we can move through it and emerge into the loving, compassionate beings we truly are. As we are all undergoing a massive awakening to heal as the collective to remember the Oneness of Unity Consciousness. The poem below puts the experience in it’s simplest form (I wrote this while deep in the healing process after a period of what most would call psychosis but was really was my awakening. I was in and out of different realities, dimensions, living life on both sides and realize now I was being shown what we are all going through and what is to come).

Dark of the Soul
Ocean waves moving in motion like our never-ending crashing emotions, smashing against the tide when we don’t trust our inner guide,
Everywhere I go, nowhere to hide from the anger and disappointment that I feel inside, the resentment that arises from memories when I felt I didn’t have a voice or a choice.

Would not, could not speak up and out for myself,
At work, at home, it seems everywhere I turn, carefully walking on eggshells, as slowly pieces inside of me began to chip away at all my dreams and desires until I completely lost my way.
Ungrounded, astounded by the tearful, fearful person in the mirror who has lost her natural state to want to create.
Job-less, car-less, emotion-less, devotion-less…….a sad feeling of emptiness.

STOP….Breathe, take a moment to be present, face this fear, do not give it any more power and do not allow all that self-abusive chatter to get louder and louder.
Have I really lost everything or have I just began?
Remembering who I really am.

Through strength, faith and true desire to create, remembering I came here to thrive not just survive.
Live for today and a better tomorrow, leave all the self-doubt and abuse for a positive attitude and a life of gratitude.
I believe in myself, for within is the pure love, truth, the light of my soul, my inner spirit that chose to live Heaven on Earth
With A dream, A desire, beyond expansion with passion and fire.

Subconscious Reprogramming, Release, Relief

Subconscious Reprogramming, Release, Relief and why it is beneficial: The subconscious can only hold so much before it over flows. Due to the rise of technology and the massive amounts of input at our finger tips we need to rework our systems to handle this as we were not designed for this obsessive, compulsive, look up everything kind of access. People will begin to feel insane and sometimes this can happen in a moment. This has been a part of my experience so I can have a deeper understanding of how to help others that are experiencing symptoms due to this. As Collectively we are going through a subconscious release to shift the patriarchy, the Egoic, conditioned programming that will no longer work on the New Earth (the children of now don’t understand it and will not tolerate it, they came in with different programming, different light codes to help us shift out of this outdated way of being and living).

When we are conscious, we become self-aware. Aware of our thoughts and the programming which is our deep ingrained taught way of being, our beliefs that we soaked up like a sponge until we were 7 years old. These beliefs have been playing out in our world for so long. As we pay attention to the constant chatter that flows in our minds which is an outcome, based on our inner belief system, as well as the outer input that we allow in and soak up due to the fact that we can all feel on a much deeper level (energy transference). We can become the witness to the judgments we make about others and ourselves. Begin to ask where did this originate? Why do I think this way? Why do I believe this? Does it serve me? Does it feel good? Does it bring me joy or do I feel horrible, guilt and shame filled for having these thoughts? If so know it is quite normal. We are human, the human conditioning we have been born into is shifting and changing, which is a good thing. The outdated conditioning is breaking down over the next couple of years within each of us and we are literally receiving a DNA upgrade within our cellular memory (similar to a computer or an app that every now and again needs the updated version applied to it in order for it to run at it’s optimized strength and speed).

But change is usually not easy, if it was then everyone would do it. Many may say they want change but what I have seen (even in myself until I was forced to create change) they rather go through years of feeling horrible than do the inner work to create the change we want to see in our lives. We look back at let’s say 20, 30, 40 years of the same unserving behavioral patterns, as well as unwanted, uncomfortable physical ailments that can turn into chronic pain, that we keep complaining about but when approached with “you can finally heal this”, you can change that old lie and given the tools to do so, many run for the hills.

We are taught we don’t talk about certain things, families have secrets, skeletons in the closet and they need to stay in the closet. People die and we are told you get one week of bereavement pay because you should be over it in a week, there are so many rules that no longer work and will no longer apply in our evolving culture. Not in our evolving society, anymore. Look at what we have built a tolerance to. If you watch the news for 5 minutes, how many shootings, violence against another, bullying, robberies, how much hatred and anger erupts in our face in those 5 minutes? But yet we are conditioned that if we are not glued to this programming than we will miss out on something. This is our fear based world, that we have become numb to, why do we continue to accept so much fear? It has been our “norm”but it is no longer.

We have been brought to our knees and what I was asked during my Dark Night of the Soul experience is who is my biggest trigger?, If the darkness were to attack my children would I change? Of course. Well guess what your children feel, hear and see the parents shadows, they know your families secrets, they came here to be the light and to shine their light on our shadows. If we see them in pain will that finally make this madness stop? We will have no choice but to do the work, when we see our children fall to their knees at 7, 8, 9 years old watching your child have panic attacks, visions of being beaten, attacked verbally and physically but not their own trauma and hurt, to be the witness so that they can transmute our pain into light. To do what many volunteered to do which is turn your fear into love. To teach you how to love yourself. Because if we are not going to witness it someone has to, for it to be healed (this is science, not woo, woo stuff, it’s Quantum physics/ Quantum healing….the act of observing makes it so and heals).

I have held back for way too long about what I know, what I’ve been told, and how our children are the most brilliant beautiful innocent beings of pure love. They literally can walk into a store and everyone in the store shifts. I’ve seen it happen, unfortunately the child will begin to feel panicked, like they can’t breathe, sick to their stomach and practically drop whatever they have in their hands and run out to get away from all our garbage, from our energy. Or they drop down and have a tantrum out of no where. And Autism, these are the biggest light workers and you think they can’t communicate, they are telepathically speaking to us, you just have to much clutter in your brain to hear them. Or you just can’t believe that, telepathy is a thing but you’ll believe a prognoses and scary diagnoses.

Wake up people because if you do not take the steps to take care of yourself, your home, your side of the street, the garbage can only be piled so high before it implodes or explodes. This may seem harsh and I usually am not this brash but I experienced it. It was not easy and was not fun but there are ways to bring yourself to balance, to heal. I’ve spent the past couple of years testing so many different tools to be brought back to where I began and that was Kundalini Yoga Breath work/Meditation. I will be honest my nervous system was shot after my Dark Night of the Soul Experience in May 2018 but by making a commitment to self care to include practices that are consistent and combining Self Reiki healing (among other tools, such as, Mirror work, journaling, nature walks, prayer, so many self care tools to choose from. And perhaps it’s not a one size fits all and I hope you find what works for you). But this is the strongest I have felt ever. Perhaps I can be a mentor and a guide to assist you to find what works for you, as we all are transitioning and transforming.

And this strength not only helps me but ripples out and now my energy stays within my energy field and my aura acts like a lighted shield from negativity. I still feel and can connect but in a way that now my empathic nature has become a super power (I can feel the lies, I can feel the in-authenticity, I can feel the power of another, someone that is centered and full of love and some that could use a bit of strengthening in their own system. I can see through the perfect social media family portrait and feel the stress on those smiling faces. And I can have deep compassion because I know what it feels like, when we have to juggle so much and don’t feel we have time to give to the most important person in your life….You, the person you have look in the mirror).

This is a Suggested Tool and I suggest begin this practice today: So Darshan Chakra Kriya (a Kundalini breathwork meditation to get rid your subconscious garbage, de-clutter the mind and bring balance to the left and right side of the brain and our nervous system). This has saved my life along with other tools that I will share. Look it up on YouTube, super easy begin with 5 minutes and then increase to 11 minutes and so on. More tools to come, you may also contact me for a Reiki Session and I have no problem doing Reiki on children but parents need to do a session first and may need more than one session (I have witnessed after the parent heals, the child/children no longer have the issues the parents were seeing because it’s not the child’s issue it’s the parents that the child has taken on in some way).

Subconcious Beliefs

I have taken a moment to step back even more, to dive deep and do the much needed inner work, a time to really slow down (I didn’t know it was even possible to slow down even more), to be with my family, to continue to exist, be and in this beingness I have found that I am whole and complete. That despite the break from “working outside of the home”, a lot of internal work has taken place. There is no manual to life but when we connect with the true self we are our greatest guide, we can remember our truth and unlearn the beliefs that no longer hold true, no longer work for us, we tap into our intuition and allow The Universal Energy to guide us (knowing now we are the Universe).

I have felt the Universe within, the collective, the ups and downs, the sadness, anger, fear as well as the love, the expansion and through a lot of self love and radical self care have experienced the integration of the Ego, the falling away of the false belief system. Can step back and be the compassionate witness. The ascension process that I’ve heard so much about has literally played out within me from descension to working my way up. I have ascended from inner pits of hell the ultimate fear to heaven the ultimate love. I have never read the bible but my understanding is we are “it”, we are the stories, the stories being metaphors for how we ascend, how we live life, to be the co-creators, the masters of our own lives connected to source. As we all are taken on this journey through ascension there may be some fearful emotions that come up, life may be difficult, or you can ride the wave surrendering the whole way knowing all is here and showing up in your life for you to help you.

Either way, now I understand when I was told by my higher self, the highest aspect of self, my guides and Angels (which are really all layers and aspects of me, of self here to help on this journey of remembering) that I am a seed planter, a way shower, a light worker. I realize I am exactly where I need to be so I can help someone that may be a day behind me, a month, year, etc to help bring guidance and healing into their lives. Realizing with every channelled message written or spoken there is a healing frequency that comes with it. I was told I would heal with my messages, sound, color, in many different ways. But it wasn’t until my breakthrough in May that I now understand what that means. In the midst of it I was told to go to my blog, as I was in extreme fear I began to read and something amazing began to happen, I began to lift up, raise my frequency, I was wrapped in an orb of light. I was being shown part of why I am here now.

The attached audio was recorded a couple of months ago (after a lunar eclipse) but goes so perfectly with this message I am ready to share now. Since then there is so much I want to share about how I have gained so much more inner strength, feel amazing, balanced, free and joyful (and you wouldn’t believe some of the stuff that has taken place, it’s like a test from the Universe to show me once I really truly love myself, have a solid consistent practice that includes Kundalini Yoga, amongst other tools and really committed to my wholeness, the outer world stuff can’t touch me, it no longer rocks me because I know the truth of who I am, my power and my worth).

Thank you for being a part of my journey. I love you! So much more to come. Exciting!!!!

Celebrate theDivineFeminine (May the Month of Mary)

To all my beautiful perfect women and girls on the Planet. My sisters. I hope you know how loved you are, how powerful you are, how perfect you are, how whole and complete you are just as you are. May you find solace in knowing that this a time for us to rejoice, to come together, to stand fully in our soul’s truth.

I have a connection with the Divine Mother and although I thought this connection began with my awakening, this connection has always been there. On so many occasions the room would fill with the smell of roses, the way her loving presence showed me how I was already embodying the Divine, the way she whispered ” Go within and you will find purpose”. I would be awoken at night to her speaking to me, bringing me from fear to love in a quickness. Her reassurance that everything will be okay and to always remember “You are my daughter and I Love you more than you know”. Her presence is powerful and over flowing with unconditional love. We are all connected to her and many other powerful, loving Goddesses, Masters, women that have pathed the way for us now. To fully embody what it is to be a beautiful Divine Being in form.

I used to say the Lord’s prayer every night and at some point it began to dawn on me that as I did the sign of the cross “in the name of the father, the son and the holy spirit” the Mother was missing??? This baffled me so I would add “in the name of the father , the son, the holy spirit and the Divine Mother”. I could feel a shift take place that brought up feelings around how women of the past were treated (seemed to be left out, or at least in the Catholic Religion that I grew up with, there is little mention of women). We all have a gift of intuition and as a woman if you feel shame around it, most likely you were considered very powerful and a threat due to your gifts of creativity, to using your inner knowing. Around this time last year I had past life experiences come up, of men coming after me, wanting to take my power away. Experiences of feeling and watching from the eyes of Mother Mary and Mary Magdalene as they watched beloved Jesus on the cross. I felt their pain, their sadness and saw through the eyes of Jesus as well as he watched his mother and his beloved watch his soul leave his body. When I asked, “Why am I seeing this?, how could I be seeing and feeling this?” I was told to stop crucifying myself. Stop beating myself up for my past, for who I am, all the guilt and shame I had built around being a feminine woman, around sex, around my body, around motherhood, in so many ways I was crucifying myself over and over and over again. If we are not aware of another way, another option than we do what we are conditioned to do but there is a place within us all that knows what is truth.

This is why it is so important to become conscious, to ask questions, to know what our motives are around our actions. Is is old programming, old teachings that taught us if we are in a woman’s body, we are lesser than? That taught us that there can’t be a healthy balance of both the masculine and feminine energy that is within all of us. Within each of us, we in form can embody both and celebrate both of these energies equally, as well as the gender we have taken on in this lifetime. All I know is as I become more and more aware, I can now look at my husband and celebrate his strengths and look at myself and celebrate mine as a woman.

I hope every women knows how worthy she is of love and can love herself with great grace, beauty and wisdom. And the hope that every man respects women and can see the great power she holds and the power we gain as we work together and not against each other.

Last year as I was doing a lot of inner healing a moment that I felt I didn’t know where to turn I prayed, the light began to get really bright and almost change color, as the room had a golden hue. I picked up a pen and began to write, my heart expanded so big I felt I was in the center of it and as I did I smelled roses. This is the message from Mother Mary that I received to help heal the inner child:

I want to release her of any fear and sadness by asking her Angels of the love and light to surround her with the light of pure Divine Love, to Zero her out of all that does not server her, all that does not belong to her, to allow her to breathe, with every in breath expanding the love within, directly connected to the purest form of love, bliss, joy.  Knowing this is the sweet spot, her birthright, to be able to connect directly to source, to connect with her higher power, surrounded and protected with pure Divine light at all times.  Until I can show her how to do this on her own to empower, cleanse and uplift her.  As her Divine Mother, she is released of all guilt, worry, shame, doubt, negativity, into the light to allow her Divine team of the light to dissolve all negativity, transmuted into pure positive loving energy.  Grounded in her truth of who she really is, a beautiful, confident, loving being of light herself, a diamond star that shines bright.

The body (Go within & stay grounded)

Ask Why am I doing this? Listen to the bodies answer!
The body is the sacred temple

Where I am now as I deepen my connection, I love my body even more. Sometimes we can get really caught in the head trip of meditation, expanding our awareness, rising to new heights to connect with the Divine. Which is great and there is nothing wrong with it, since we do want to rise up and expand. Life is supposed to be a joy ride, explorative, we receive guidance, sensations we didn’t know were possible, our senses heightened without taking an outside substance. Just you, your breath and God. But we are here having this human experience in a physical body and although we don’t have to be so attached to form, to be present in our bodies is to be human. Our bodies our 0n this journey just as much as our spirit and our soul in human form.

It took the Universe pulling my awareness back into my body, reminding me that my power is greater in my sacred temple because within, in the Now is where I connect to that all loving, genius, creative, limitless presence and essence (God is not outside of us but within us). In the beginning of my spiritual journey, where I wanted a deeper connection with God, with my higher self, I wanted to understand my purpose, why I was here, how I could serve and I heard the most beautiful voice lean in and say “Go within and you will find purpose”. Go within, not outside but within. And the more grounded I am in the body, the more I do this, hands on my heart, on my body and breath the more profound my connection is with the truth.

I have attached two audios one about our bodies being the sacred temple to connect with the Divine. And the other to listen to your bodies ques. We all have a Yes sensation (for me expansion) and a No sensation (for me contraction), it is our subtle body shifts, our intuition at work. Begin to ask, to listen by feeling what the body is telling you. Not with the logical mind but the mind, the heart, the soul, the connection to the whole you through the body.

We are the Master of life

I AM A Master of Life

It’s time we all become the masters of our lives. Knowing where you are is exactly where you are meant to be. Trust all the experiences that have lead here and now is Divine perfection in action. Review your life, what have you overcome? What and how can you use your experiences to serve and help the greater good? I realize I heal in other’s through creativity and by being a vessel for God to work through me, by taking my own personal experiences to help another. Enjoy the attached audio.