Self Discovery

Can turning off our capacity to feel shut down our capacity to heal? Our nervous system is working on over drive, at some point can shut down due to overload?

For the many years that I spent numbing out and chemically functioning through life, either on anti-depressants, sleeping pills, over the counter meds, drugs, alcohol, yet I hid it so well. I was still “functioning” and “responsible”, still doing my job as a mother, wife, an employee, taking care of our home but inside felt lost. As I’ve mentioned before, in 2017 I finally gave in to meditation, (specifically a Kundalini Yoga meditation called Kirtan Kriya; a simple mantra repeating Sa Ta Na Ma while touching my thumb with each sound to each finger tip). I was so desperate to feel change, to feel better, was wanting to move away from substances and also needed to try something different it in hopes that my daughter would try it as well because at a young age she was experiencing anxiety (which really was my undealt emotions). I had no expectations, honestly I was almost wanting to say “ha, see it doesn’t work for everyone”. But out of the blue I began to feel different, calmer, focused, clear for the first time.

The part that comes next not sure everyone will experience but rather quickly my senses began to sharpen, heighten, unexpectedly one night I heard guitar strings strumming out of no where, I would hear my name being called, even heard a choir of angels after a silent 45 minute meditation, flooded with different smells, strange at first but then I began to feel a rush of love, elation, bliss, ecstasy. I had hit that sweet spot where I was in a elevated state of awareness. I felt so connected to God, to the Universe that I couldn’t wait to meditate again. Experience after experience of a mystical loving nature. I began to connect with Angelic energy, my highest self, just an all loving presence and felt so present in presence. It was a feeling that surpassed any drug, as if we know it is possible to reach that point of absolute and we chase it our whole lives through our addictions. And not just chemical/substance abuse but chasing the high that shopping gives us, that gambling, that eating, that relationships, that even stress gives us, to fill the emotional void. Except for a whole year I was able to maintain this feeling even outside of meditation. Not the elation part but a steady feeling of joy, nothing bothered me, I had reached a level of clarity. It was like my Divine mind, heart and soul were all in alignment with God, the all that is almost all the time.

And just like everything else in my life, when I thought I mastered that I moved away from Kundalini Yoga and honestly never tried the array of breath work it provides along with the science to back up why the sound current of the mantras, the hand movements, the breathing techniques help to reprogram our subconscious mind and nervous system to bring us to whole balance.

Prior to the Dark Night of the Soul experience in May 2018, I would say around February, March 2018 I began to have a lot of self doubt, fear began to creep back in, after I became attuned to Reiki and began self healing which in turn made me take a deeper look at what I could no longer run from, the lies I had been telling myself. See although I was doing everything “right” on the outside, I really had not done the inner work (a complete spiritual bypass) and on my soul’s path it required that I have a deeper understanding of my blocks. Kundalini Yoga, is the yoga of awareness combined with Reiki Energy healing there was no more pretending, no more tolerance for the false self anymore. Although I try to stay away from labels now, I didn’t know I was an empath, I didn’t know we are all psychically gifted, I thought only those that were worthy not me were so inclined. As the planet continues to shift we are waking up more and more every day. Our level of awareness will continue to feel uncomfortable unless we do something to truly bring balance to our whole system.

I’ve been told we have the technology to keep up with this technological time we live in, but this technology is within all. Through practices that use the breath, sound, mantra, stillness, movement, ways of working with the body, we can reach a level of awareness of Conciousness that surpasses any computer program because we our Conciousness which is the cloud of wisdom, our heart is the mother board, and our Soul and Spirit are the directors that orchestrate it all alongside God, the light.

The body (Go within & stay grounded)

Ask Why am I doing this? Listen to the bodies answer!
The body is the sacred temple

Where I am now as I deepen my connection, I love my body even more. Sometimes we can get really caught in the head trip of meditation, expanding our awareness, rising to new heights to connect with the Divine. Which is great and there is nothing wrong with it, since we do want to rise up and expand. Life is supposed to be a joy ride, explorative, we receive guidance, sensations we didn’t know were possible, our senses heightened without taking an outside substance. Just you, your breath and God. But we are here having this human experience in a physical body and although we don’t have to be so attached to form, to be present in our bodies is to be human. Our bodies our 0n this journey just as much as our spirit and our soul in human form.

It took the Universe pulling my awareness back into my body, reminding me that my power is greater in my sacred temple because within, in the Now is where I connect to that all loving, genius, creative, limitless presence and essence (God is not outside of us but within us). In the beginning of my spiritual journey, where I wanted a deeper connection with God, with my higher self, I wanted to understand my purpose, why I was here, how I could serve and I heard the most beautiful voice lean in and say “Go within and you will find purpose”. Go within, not outside but within. And the more grounded I am in the body, the more I do this, hands on my heart, on my body and breath the more profound my connection is with the truth.

I have attached two audios one about our bodies being the sacred temple to connect with the Divine. And the other to listen to your bodies ques. We all have a Yes sensation (for me expansion) and a No sensation (for me contraction), it is our subtle body shifts, our intuition at work. Begin to ask, to listen by feeling what the body is telling you. Not with the logical mind but the mind, the heart, the soul, the connection to the whole you through the body.

Follow your intuition

Writing is one of the greatest ways I can express my creativity, it’s one of the ways I connect with the highest aspect of self. The way the words come out faster than I can write at times. I do a lot of inspired writing, some call it automatic writing. Where you allow the words to flow through you instead of trying to control what comes out. Through mindfulness, meditation and other tools and practices I have tapped into my gift of intuition, given the most beautiful and funny messages at times. And this is something everyone can do, in the beginning I suggest the best way to receive that free flow of inspired writing is right after meditation when you are still in your heart, centered and grounded. As I began my 11th journal this is what was written through me:

Here we go again, another book (journal)? This time I will have it all organized but they are my thoughts, feelings, revelations, messages, tools, meditations, affirmations, my sanity, how do I organize all of that and more? I called in “FOCUS” and heard a voice say “Are you ready to begin?”….I had to laugh because Focus was very….well…. FOCUSED! I hear, amongst other intuitive gifts so I can call in just about any part of me and probably hear, feel or sense that part that has been called on. Compiled all these pieces of self is “me”, in trying to figure out who I am, why I am the way I am, how did I transform from a person that made fun of people like me (judging in all kinds of ways) to now very aware, wanting, needing to know how to take these gifts, creativity, humor, energy and serve. Surrender, let go but also become the co-creator of my life while going with the flow. I hear “Read the books! To create yet another one and not have reviewed 1-10, C’mon, keep this one as the book of tools”.

Again I am clairaudient so I hear parts of me, as well as other sounds with my psychic hearing. But even if you can’t hear with your spiritual ear yet, you can feel, sense or know. Follow your inner GPS system, figure out how you receive that pure loving all knowing intuitive guidance. Do you feel relaxed, ask a question and the answer pops in your head right away, get a tingling feeling on the top of your head, through you body, (hairs on your arms stand up), feel your heart expand, feel inspired a moment of relaxed yet excitement like you have to jump into action. Sit still and breathe, ask your guides or highest self what would yes feel like for me and what does no feel like? Whether you realize it or not you are intuitive, we all are and however you receive your internal guidance, your “YES” when you are in flow, in alignment with all that is, your inner creative joyful, loving, all knowing genius within, when you are connected to the higher power within you, it is the light bulb switch that lights up energies and gives you your full body Yes! Follow it see where it takes you.